Getting Grief Right

By the time Mary came to see me, six months after losing her daughter to sudden infant death syndrome, she had hired and fired two other therapists. She was trying to get her grief right.

Mary was a successful accountant, a driven person who was unaccustomed to being weighed down by sorrow. She was also well versed in the so-called stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. To her and so many others in our culture, that meant grief would be temporary and somewhat predictable, even with the enormity of her loss. She expected to be able to put it behind her and get on with her life.

To look at her, she already had done so. The mask she wore for the world was carefully constructed and effective. She seemed to epitomize what many people would call “doing really well,” meaning someone who had experienced a loss but looked as if she was finished grieving. Within a few days of the death of her daughter she was back at work and seemed to function largely as before.

The truth of her life was something else. Six months after her baby’s death she remained in deep despair. She was exhausted from acting better than she felt around co-workers, friends and family. As is so often the case, she had diagnosed her condition as being “stuck” in grief, believing that a stubborn depression was preventing her from achieving acceptance and closure.

Was she in denial, she wondered. She also wondered if she was appropriately angry. The bottom line was that she knew she was depressed — a psychiatrist had prescribed an antidepressant — and that is what she wanted me to treat.

Earlier in my practice, I would have zeroed in on that depression. Was there a family history? Had she been depressed before? Was the medicine helping? What were her specific symptoms? Knowing the answers might suggest why she was stuck. Or I would have reviewed the stages of grief, as she had, looking for one in which the work remained incomplete.

But I had begun to operate differently by the time Mary showed up, which was 10 years after my own loss. My firstborn child had also died before he was a year old. It was why Mary had chosen me.

In our first session I put Mary’s depression aside. I asked her to tell me the story of her baby rather than describe the symptoms of her grief. Though she was resistant, she eventually started to talk.

Like most other things in Mary’s life, the baby, whom she named Stephanie, was planned. Mary was delighted with her pregnancy and had wonderful dreams for her daughter. After a routine delivery, Mary stayed home with Stephanie for the first three months. Returning to work had been difficult, but Mary was comfortable with the child-care arrangement, and managed to balance motherhood with her busy professional schedule.

Then Mary told me about the Saturday when she went to check on her napping daughter and found that Stephanie wasn’t breathing. She began C.P.R. as her husband called 911. There were moments of surreal focus as she and her husband tried to save their baby. Then this woman, so accustomed to being in control, had to surrender her daughter to an emergency crew. Her husband drove as they followed the ambulance to the hospital.

She described the waiting room in great detail, down to the color of the furniture. When the hospital chaplain walked in with the doctor she knew her baby was gone. She and her husband were taken into a room where they held the baby for the last time.

At this point in her story Mary finally began to weep, intensely so. She seemed surprised by the waves of emotion that washed over her. It was the first time since the death that the sadness had poured forth in that way. She said she had never told the story of her daughter from conception to death in one sitting.

“What is wrong with me?” she asked as she cried. “It has been almost seven months.”

Very gently, using simple, nonclinical words, I suggested to Mary that there was nothing wrong with her. She was not depressed or stuck or wrong. She was just very sad, consumed by sorrow, but not because she was grieving incorrectly. The depth of her sadness was simply a measure of the love she had for her daughter.

A transformation occurred when she heard this. She continued to weep but the muscles in her face relaxed. I watched as months of pent-up emotions were released. She had spent most of her energy trying to figure out why she was behind in her grieving. She had buried her feelings and vowed to be strong because that’s how a person was supposed to be.

Now, in my office, stages, self-diagnoses and societal expectations didn’t matter. She was free to surrender to her sorrow. As she did, the deep bond with her little girl was rekindled. Her loss was now part of her story, one to claim and cherish, not a painful event to try to put in the past.

I had gone through the same process after the loss of my son. I was in my second year of practice when he died, and I subsequently had many grieving patients referred to me. The problem in those early days was that my grief training was not helping either my patients or me. When I was trained, in the late 1970s, the stages of grief were the standard by which a grieving person’s progress was assessed.

THAT model is still deeply and rigidly embedded in our cultural consciousness and psychological language. It inspires much self-diagnosis and self-criticism among the aggrieved. This is compounded by the often subtle and well-meaning judgment of the surrounding community. A person is to grieve for only so long and with so much intensity.

To be sure, some people who come to see me exhibit serious, diagnosable symptoms that require treatment. Many, however, seek help only because they and the people around them believe that time is up on their grief. The truth is that grief is as unique as a fingerprint, conforms to no timetable or societal expectation.

Based on my own and my patients’ experiences, I now like to say that the story of loss has three “chapters.” Chapter 1 has to do with attachment: the strength of the bond with the person who has been lost. Understanding the relationship between degree of attachment and intensity of grief brings great relief for most patients. I often tell them that the size of their grief corresponds to the depth of their love.

Chapter 2 is the death event itself. This is often the moment when the person experiencing the loss begins to question his sanity, particularly when the death is premature and traumatic. Mary had prided herself on her ability to stay in control in difficult times. The profound emotional chaos of her baby’s death made her feel crazy. As soon as she was able, she resisted the craziness and shut down the natural pain and suffering.

Chapter 3 is the long road that begins after the last casserole dish is picked up — when the outside world stops grieving with you. Mary wanted to reassure her family, friends and herself that she was on the fast track to closure. This was exhausting. What she really needed was to let herself sink into her sadness, accept it.

When I suggested a support group, Mary rejected the idea. But I insisted. She later described the relief she felt in the presence of other bereaved parents, in a place where no acting was required. It was a place where people understood that they didn’t really want to achieve closure after all. To do so would be to lose a piece of a sacred bond.

“All sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them,” said the writer Isak Dinesen. When loss is a story, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no pressure to move on. There is no shame in intensity or duration. Sadness, regret, confusion, yearning and all the experiences of grief become part of the narrative of love for the one who died.



self-mutilation self-harm autotomy

autotomy 是指壁虎断尾自保,其他两个词是自残。

突然发现原来自残也有ICD疾病编号,是被认证的疾病,从ICD-10: X60 到X84 都是这类现象。



与其自己一个人默默的做研究,不如多赚钱,花钱雇佣别人替你研究 😉



这就是为什么Ph.D. 只突破了圆圈的一个“点”


The illustrated guide to a Ph.D.

The illustrated guide to a Ph.D.




老板: 我觉得应该是。。。



老板:之前(NIH or 某个大科学中心,我没记住)人们总说,生物信息学家就是到处偷数据~~~~

老板娘:我们不是要接着figure C 往下研究,我们要研究figure B这个结果的原因,你又没有理解我的意思!!!



北大,我们没有校训 _-_

安徽大学:至诚至坚 博学笃行
北京大学:(无正式校训)爱国 进步 民主 科学(非正式校训)
长安大学:求是 笃学 敬业 创新
重庆大学:耐劳苦 尚俭朴 勤学业 爱国家
东北大学:自强不息 知行合一
东华大学:严谨 勤奋 求实 创新
武汉大学:自强 弘毅 求是 拓新
复旦大学:博学而笃志 切问而近思
福州大学:明德至诚 博学远志
广西大学:勤恳朴诚 厚学致新
河北大学:实事求是 笃学诚行
河海大学:艰苦朴素 实事求是 严格要求 勇于探索
黑龙江大学:博学慎思 参天尽物
中南大学:知行合一 经世致用
湖南大学:博学睿思 勤勉致知
华侨大学:会通中外 并育德才
吉林大学:求实创新 励志图强
山西大学:求真至善 登崇俊良
江南大学:笃学尚行 止于至善
广州大学:博学笃行 与时俱进
兰州大学:自强不息 独树一帜
南京大学:诚朴雄伟 励学敦行
南开大学:允公允能 日新月异
青岛大学:博学笃志 明德求真 守正出奇
山东大学:学无止境 气有浩然
汕头大学:创新 求实 勤奋 团结
宁波大学:实事求是 经世致用
上海交通大学:饮水思源 爱国荣校
上海科技大学:立志 成才 报国 裕民
四川大学:海纳百川 有容乃大
辽宁大学:明德精学 笃行致强
苏州大学:养天地正气 法古今完人
清华大学:自强不息 厚德载物
同济大学:严谨 求实 团结 创新
厦门大学:自强不息 止于至善
湘潭大学:博学笃行 盛德日新
新疆大学:团结 紧张 质朴 活泼
扬州大学:求是 求实 求新 求真
云南大学:会泽百家 至公天下
燕山大学:厚德 博学 求是
北华大学:崇德尚学 自强力行
南华大学:明德博学 求是致远
西华大学:求是 明德 卓越
西藏大学:团结 勤奋 求实 创新
烟台大学:守信 求实 好学 力行
温州大学:求学问是 敢为人先
宁夏大学:勤学 求是 创新 尚德
郑州大学:明时风 达治体 文而不弱 武而不暴 蹈厉奋进 竭忠尽智 扶危邦 振贫民
深圳大学:自立 自律 自强
湖北大学:日思日睿 笃志笃行
南昌大学:格物致新 厚德泽人
海南大学:海纳百川 大道致远
江苏大学:博学 求是 明德
大连大学:文明 自强 求是 创新
青海大学:志比昆仑 学竞江河
贵州大学:明德至善 博学笃行
济南大学:勤奋 严谨 团结 创新
云南大学:自尊 致知 正义 力行
中山大学:博学 审问 慎思 明辨 笃行
北京理工大学:德以明理 学以精工
华南理工大学:博学慎思 明辨笃行
南京理工大学:团结献身 求是创新
华东理工大学:求实 勤奋
河南理工大学:明德任责 好学力行
华中科技大学:明德厚学 求是创新
哈尔滨工业大学:规格严格 功夫到家
大连理工大学:团结 进取 求实 创新
武汉理工大学:厚德博学 追求卓越
国防科学技术大学:厚德博学 强军兴国
北京工业大学:不息为体 日新为道
北京航空航天大学:德才兼备 知行合一
东华大学:崇德博学 励志尚实
大连海事大学:学汇百川 德济四海
中国地质大学 (武汉):艰苦奋斗 团结活泼 严格谦逊 求实进取
中国地质大学 (北京):艰苦朴素 求真务实
北京科技大学:学风严谨 崇尚实践
北京邮电大学:厚德 博学 敬业 乐群
重庆邮电大学:修德 博学 求实 创新
电子科技大学:求实 求真 大气 大为
哈尔滨理工大学:知行统一 博厚悠远
华东交通大学:团结 严谨 求实 勤奋
辽宁工程技术大学:诚朴求是 博学笃行
南京航空航天大学:团结 俭朴 唯实 创新
兰州交通大学:文明 进取 求实 创新
石油大学:勤奋严谨 求实创新
太原理工大学:求实 创新
重庆交通大学:严谨 求实 团结 进取
西安工业大学:敦德励学 知行相长
西安理工大学:祖国 荣誉 责任
西安交通大学:精勤求学 敦笃励志 果毅力行 忠恕任事
西北工业大学:公 诚 勇 毅
西南交通大学:精勤求学 敦笃励志 果毅力行 忠恕任事
中国海洋大学:海纳百川 取则行远
中国科学技术大学:红专并进 理实交融
中国矿业大学:开拓创新 严谨治学
重庆理工大学:明德笃行 自强日新
西南石油大学:明德笃志 博学创新
武汉工程大学:团结严谨 勤奋求实
沈阳理工大学:弘志励学 德才并蓄
天津科技大学:尚德尚学尚行 爱国爱校爱人
昆明理工大学:明德任责 致知力行
安徽理工大学:团结 奋进 博学 奉献
西南科技大学:厚德 博学 笃行 创新
河北工业大学:勤 慎 公 忠
广东工业大学:创新 求是 勤奋 团结
河南科技大学:明德博学 日新笃行
长春理工大学:明德 博学 求是 创新
东华理工大学:明德厚学 爱国荣校
桂林电子科技大学:正德厚学 笃行致新
成都理工大学:穷究于理 成就于工
华南师范大学:艰苦奋斗 严谨治学 求实创新 为人师表
南京师范大学:正德厚生 笃学敏行
北京师范大学:学为人师 行为世范
东北师范大学:勤奋创新 为人师表
广西师范大学:学高为师 身正为范
河南师范大学:厚德博学 止于至善
华东师范大学:求实创造 为人师表
华中师范大学:求实创新 立德树人
山东师范大学:弘德明志 博学笃行
陕西师范大学:厚德积学 励志敦行
首都师范大学:为学为师 求实求新
四川师范大学:重德 博学 务实 尚美
辽宁师范大学:厚德博学 为人师表
江西师范大学:静思笃行 持中秉正
福建师范大学:知明行笃 立诚致广
重庆师范大学:厚德 笃学 砺志 创新
天津师范大学:勤奋严谨 自树树人
西北师范大学:知术欲圆 行旨须直
吉林师范大学:好学近知 力行近仁
海南师范大学:崇德 尚学 求是 创新
江苏师范大学:崇德厚学 励志敏行
河北师范大学:怀天下 求真知
安徽师范大学:厚德 重教 博学 笃行
杭州师范大学:勤慎诚恕 博雅精进
淮北师范大学:博学 慎思 励志 敦行
中国政法大学:厚德 明法 格物 致公
中南财经政法大学:博文明理 厚德济世
中央财经大学:忠诚 团结 求实 创新
中国青年政治学院:实事求是 朝气蓬勃
安徽财经大学:诚信博学 知行统一
华东政法大学:笃行致知 明德崇法
西南政法大学:博学笃行 厚德重法
对外经济贸易大学:博学 诚信 求索 笃行
北京工商大学:求真 立德 勤奋 创新
江西财经大学:信敏 廉毅
天津财经大学:勤奋 团结 求实 创新
上海财经大学:厚德博学 经济匡时
浙江工商大学:立志创新 勤奋求实
南京审计学院:诚信求是 笃学致公
山西财经大学:修德立信 博学求真
西北政法大学:严谨 求实 文明 公正
浙江财经大学:进德修业 与时偕行
西南财经大学:严谨 勤俭 求实 开拓
南京财经大学:自谦自信 务实超越
重庆工商大学:厚德博学 求是创新
中国农业大学:解民生之多艰 育天下之英才
西北农林科技大学:诚 朴 勇 毅
北京林业大学:知山知水 树木树人
华中农业大学:勤读力耕 立己达人
中南林业科技大学:求是求新 树木树人
华南农业大学:修德 博学 求实 创新
东北农业大学:博学笃行 明德亲民
东北林业大学:学参天地 德合自然
西南林业大学:树木树人 至真至善
福建农林大学:明德 诚智 博学 创新
云南农业大学:厚德博学 明理尚农
河南农业大学:明德自强 求是力行
广东海洋大学:广学明德 海纳厚为
山东农业大学:爱国 爱农 爱校 求真 求知 求实
四川农业大学:追求真理 造福人类 自强不息
大连海洋大学:学贯江海 德润方厚
河北农业大学:崇德 务实 求是
北京中医药大学:勤求博采 厚德济生
成都中医药大学:厚德博学 精思笃行
哈尔滨医科大学:政治坚定 技术优良
南方医科大学:博学 笃行 尚德 济世
南京中医药大学:自信 敬业
首都医科大学:扶伤济世 敬德修业
中国协和医科大学:严谨 博精 创新 奉献
山西医科大学:医理博精 德能高邃
福建医科大学:勤奋 严谨 求实 创新
重庆医科大学:严谨 求实 勤奋 进取
中国医科大学:仁慈谨慎 博雅汇通
昆明医科大学:崇德 精业 团结 奉献
广州医科大学:厚德修身 博学致远
温州医科大学:奋发 求实
宁夏医科大学:笃学精术 修德济人
新疆医科大学:厚德博学 笃志力行
南京医科大学:博学至精 明德至善
天津医科大学:知行和一 德高医粹
北京外国语大学:团结 紧张 严肃 活泼
北京第二外国语学院:明德 勤学 求是 竞先
广东外语外贸大学:明德尚行 学贯中西
上海外国语大学:格高志远 学贯中外
四川外国语大学:团结 勤奋 严谨 求实
大连外国语大学:崇德尚文 兼收并蓄
西安外国语大学:爱国 勤奋 博学 创新
天津外国语大学:中外求索 德业竞进
外交学院:站稳立场 掌握政策 熟悉业务 严守纪律
中南民族大学:笃信好学 自然宽和
中央民族大学:美美与共 知行合一
北方民族大学:团结进取 砥砺成才
广西民族大学:厚德博学 和而不同
青海民族大学:进德修业 自强不息
云南民族大学:格致明德 弘道至善
贵州民族大学:自强不息 全面发展
西北民族大学:勤学 敬业 团结 创新
西南民族大学:和合偕习 自信自强
内蒙古民族大学:博学明理 崇德至善
北京民族大学:团结 文明 勤奋 创新
北京体育大学:爱国 拼搏 求实 创新
北京舞蹈学院:文舞相融 德艺双馨
四川美术学院:艰苦奋斗 严谨治学 求实创新 为人师表
鲁迅美术学院:紧张 严肃 刻苦 虚心
中国传媒大学:立德 敬业 博学 竞先
中国美术学院:才情学养人品志向 居敬守勤近思笃志
上海戏剧学院:勇于实践 积极探索
中央戏剧学院:求真 创造 至美
广州美术学院:团结 勤奋 求实 创新
北京电影学院:尊师重道 薪火相传
湖北美术学院:崇德 笃学 敏行 致美
闽江学院:崇尚完美 追求卓越
宿州学院:友善 博学 务实 奋进









校训: 宏德博学 化育天工

确定时间: 2004年9月





清 龚自珍


伯城生活指南 II



enterprise 有周末特惠,三天时间很便宜,但要注意,所有网上显示的价格都不包含保险,例如:$9.99的周末特惠,每天的保险在$25左右。所以三天的总费用一共加起来至少要$120~$130。



1. 机考


2. 路考


路考包含内容都在这个pdf里,Road test guide,

一般包含的内容包括:右转,左转,识别红绿灯,并入道路,丁字路转弯,倒车,上坡/下坡停车(考轮胎方向),路边停车,3 point turn,stop sign 和 yield sign。注意随时打转向灯,拐弯、汇入道路时转头看一下盲区。


1. 校内音乐厅,持uab id 可以买低价票,也可以关注免费的活动。

2. Carmike



每周二有特价票 $5(不含3D和巨幕,仅限指定地点)


UAB医院附有两个,都在The Kirklin Clinic Pharmacy of UAB Hospital的东侧,地址是 Richard Arrington Jr Blvd S (21街)

Downtown 超市


一共三个离着比较近:Publix, Chai market(亚洲超市), Western market